Lena’s Journey

This morning it’s about 45 degrees here in Southeast Texas.  The sun is shining, the windchimes are tinkling, a slight breeze caresses the few leaves remaining on the trees… and the squirrels are AT PLAY.  Corey and Tigger have been anxiously awaiting one of the little furry tail creatures to step into their yard so they can then chase them out.  There’s this one little guy who seems a bit braver than all the others.  He will get on top of the wooden fence and yell and chatter and shake his tail at Tigger.  She’s in her “get-the-squirrel” position.  She’s also shivering because it’s a bit nippy out there.  So imagine this little dog who’s crouched down really low, head pointed toward Mr. Squirrel, but her whole body is shivering.  Now, to be fair to her and possibly not embarrass her, I could tell you that she’s not “shivering”, but rather she’s just so anxious and tense that she’s “quivering” with excitement and it’s taking all her doggy power to remain in that one spot.  After a few seconds, she can’t stand it any more and she charges the fence and barks.  Mr. Squirrel, King of the Fence, just looks down at her like “you idiot mutt, I know you can’t jump this high.  Save your breath!”  Alas, the joy I get from watching this daily routine is wonderful.  (either that, or I’m a REALLY boring person who gets her jollies by watching my dog and a squirrel do their dance.)  I’ll go with the prospect that I’m deep enough to be able to find pleasure in something so simple.  (That sounds good, eh?).

I’m in a really good place, my buddies.  This is the longest I’ve ever been on a “diet” (but we’re not calling it that) and I’m still going strong.  At least in my thinking and my desire to keep going.  I’ve had triumphs and failures.  But the key thing, this time, is that with all your help (especially Jennifer, Shanna & Tina), I’m reprogramming my all or none thinking.  If I mess up for a day or two, no big deal!  This has become ingrained in my beany head and it’s finally starting to take over to the point where I actually believe it.  I have a better understanding of how my body works.  What foods work, what portions, what calorie intake… and all that jazz.  It’s been trial and error - it still is and always will be.  But I’m establishing an excellent foundation for the rest of my life. 

This time, God is the center of my journey.  He’s like a beacon.  I’m like a homing pigeon, always returning to Him when I struggle.  I used to never get down on my knees to pray.  I’ve realized, I have to be humble before Him and totally submit this journey to him.  And it’s made all the difference in the world.  He knows I’m not perfect.  *I* know I’m not perfect.  So we’re in a very good, peaceful and happy place together.

This morning, as I was reading my daily devotional, I was struck by how God works.  Today’s devotional was talking about Eve:  “Eve was typical of us all, and we consistenly show we are her descendants by repeating her mistakes.  Our desires, like Eve’s can quite easily be manipulated.  They are not the best basis for actions.  We need to keep God in our decision-making process always.  His Word, the Bible, is our guidebook in decision making.”  This really stood out to me and how it applies to my decisions on eating/bingeing, etc.  When I feel weak, I seek Him and he helps.  All I have to do is ask.

One of the things I like about this site is that we are free to express ourselves completely and without fear of judgement.  We are all on different “plans”… but what’s neat is that we all support each other, however we’re trying to lose weight.   I really appreciate and love all my buddies.  Thanks for listening to my morning ramblings! 

You know the famous motto… BE PREPARED.  I’m finding out that I’m *much* more successful with staying on track when I’m prepared.  Things like, making sure I always have healthy stuff to eat, making sure my pups pick up all their toys that litter my exercise area (in front of the t.v.), logging my food and exercise, etc. 

When I stay one step ahead of my “diet”, I do better.  I don’t cheat.  What I’ve been doing is getting tomorrow’s meals ready in the evenings.  Tonight, after I did my 2 miles with Leslie, I fixed the coffee pot, washed my to-go cup, unpacked my lunch bag, washed all the dishes, put my ice pack thingie in the freezer to re-freeze, picked out which lean cuisine I’m gonna have, poured the milk for my cereal in it’s container (I take it to work), got my yogurt and my apples in the fridge next to my milk, got the lunch bag opened up and set out on the kitchen counter and got my vitamins all together and put in the lunch bag.  So, see?  I’m all ready for tomorrow.  It makes me feel better and makes me less stressed in the mornings when I’m usually rushing to get out the door.  Do I earn a badge?

So, been emailing one of my buddies about my food journal and I’m hoping she’ll have some suggestions for me.  I seem to eat more than 50% carbs every day.  Today, after I logged all my food, carbs came out to 61%!!!!!!!!!  Definitely need to reduce those.  I tried Atkins once for 8 months.  Only lost 19lbs, so the anti-carb movement didn’t work for me.  But I DO see that I need more protein.  I’m gonna work on that.

Tigger and Corey still haven’t picked up their toys for tonight, so I guess I’ll go do that.  Need to figure out how to get them to clean up and put everything back in their toy box.  They had a really funny running fit around the back yard a few mins ago.  Tigger looks like a little gazelle when she runs and leaps… cracks me up!  She’s the epitome of grace!  Corey will chase her for a couple of laps, but his excitement gets the better of him and he just has to go DIG.  So mama (that’s me) has to yell “Corey!!!!!  No!  BAD!”  He doesn’t like “BAD”.  He hangs his wee little head and gives me that “surely you don’t mean it, Mama?  I mean, I was just scratching the dirt here a little.  See?  It’s only 18 inches deep.”  So when he gives me that look, I have to hug him and tell him that even though he’s so adorable, he should really stop digging in the yard.  Makes it hard to mow.  

Y’all have a great evening and a WONDERFUL Wednesday!!!  XOxoxoxoxoxoxoxo………..

I was just sitting outside in the backyard with the dogs.  We were all watching two squirrels play in my neighbor’s huge oak tree.  They were running up and down the big branches, around and around, switching their tails, up and down, over to another branch, chattering at each other.  Corey and Tigger (my dogs) were quivering with excitement, preparing for the chase, should one present itself.  Tigger has her “squirrel pose”, which my mom calls “getting down low”… like this:

Of course, I just tried getting a picture of Tigger doing her pose, but she wasn’t cooperating (and neither were the squirrels who were out there a minute ago.)  Oh well.  Anyway, as we were watching the squirrels play, I was thinking to myself “I need some of that energy.”  Oh, to bottle it up and sell it - I’d be a millionaire (well, I could at least give Red Bull a run for their money).  :) 

The Native Americans believe(d) in animal totems.  Got me to thinking, so I figured I’d see if I could find anything out about what the squirrel in your life means, just for fun.  I was shocked at the number of websites available on animal totems.  Here’s some info I found on Mr. Squirrel…

“When you observe the squirrel in nature, they are always busy.  They seem to have an endless supply of energy.  Seldom do you see a squirrel inactive.  Focused on the task at hand, agile and quick, they are constantly preparing for the future by gathering nuts and seeds for later use.  Although they are always prepared for what may come they have a tendency to forget where they store things.  The forgetfulness of a squirrel serves a reminder to those with this medicine to slow down, pay attention and stop running frantically in several directions at once.”  (courtesy of www.sayahda.com)

So, after reading about the squirrel… especially the last sentence about slowing down and paying attention and all that, I was reminded of one of my favorite Psalms… “Be still, and know that I am God”.  (Psalms 46:10)  This is so true.  And I’m thinking God was working in my little beany head today - to get me to thinking about this particular verse.  Sometimes I find it amazing how these things work out.  Be still.  This has struck a chord with me today, as everything I’ve been listening to (radio and iPod) the past two days has a common theme.  To be still. 

I have a problem with letting my mind run and try and try and try to overcome my constant nagging subconscious self telling me to eat.  My subconscious seems it’s always on overdrive - eat eat eat eat eat eat eat.  Then it comes to my conscious self and I have to REALLY fight the urges to obey.  I think God is telling me to just shut up and be still.   Listen.  Be quiet.  Slow down.  Relax.  Chill out.  I have been maintaining my 25lbs loss for 6 weeks now.  Surely I should’ve lost more weight by now.  Of course, I CAN say, I have maintained, which is WAY better than gaining.  I haven’t been exercising as much as I should - which I know will solve the problem. 

So today, after reading my buddy Shan’s post I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO motivated to just do it.  I got up off my fat booty and popped in the Leslie Sansone 2 mile express walk - did the whole thing and now I’m a little less stressed.  Yay for me.

One thing I am still doing, is practicing visualization.  I’m thin, I’m buying cute clothes, I’m crossing my legs like a normal person rather than like a right trangle trying to mash all sides together to form a clean line.  Trying to reprogram my subconscious away from “eat eat eat eat eat eat eat”.  I EVEN changed my password at work to something slimming, so every time I type it in, I’m reminded.  It’s hard.  I’m not having a pity party.  In fact, I feel great today… especially after Shan’s post and then my walking video (Leslie sure can kick some booty!).

Sorry if I’m boring you guys… I’m really just rambling on and on, aren’t I? 

My goal for the rest of the week (thru Sunday and then I’ll set another goal) is to exercise every day.  It always makes me feel so good… and I’m not sure why I can’t get into a steady routine.  But, at least I’m still here.  This is the longest time frame, actually, that I’ve ever “maintained” a certain weight.  I’m proud of that. 

Ok, that’s it for now.  Hugs to all my new buddies… and my old buddies!  Tomorrow’s Friday (YAY!!!).  Another week coming to a close… a new day to start fresh.  This squirrel is gonna be still for a while…

In the famous words of Nike, “Just Do It” has been my motto this past week.  Regardless of how I’m feeling.  I had PMS again this past week, yet I managed to get on the treadmill every single day.  To me, that’s an accomplishment.  A slow transformation is taking place in my mind and soul.  It’s very slow… but I’m finding that slow and steady wins the race.  I didn’t walk yesterday, but as soon as I finish this blog, I will be hitting the trusty treadmill this morning.  It’s Sunday.  It’s a new day!  It’s beautiful!  Friends, buddies, countrymen, I can’t tell you all how much better I feel after just a week of steady exercise.  My buddy-twin Linda says in two weeks, I’ll feel amazing.  I can’t wait! 

Getting up at 4:00am really hasn’t been bad, and I found as I went through this past week, each day got a little easier to get up that early.  By the time I get to work, I feel pumped and ready to conquer the job.  My attitude and feelings have been better at work (not that they were bad before - I’m just feeling an overall sense of peace).  Even though I had some rough roads at work this past week - even cussed around my boss - which is something I’ve never done in my life before.  (I apologized to her later and she said “Girl please! I’m just as frustrated as you are, but we’ll work it out.  I support you, remember?”).  I have the best boss in the world - she tells me almost daily that she wishes she had 15 Lena’s.  <strut> 

So back to getting up at 4:00am and exercising.  I’ve been tossing around in my mind this past week why is it that exercise can help/change so many things about us?  Our outlook, our feelings, our depression, our bodies… and since it does all that, why don’t more people do it?  What baffles me even more is why have I let myself lapse these past years and try to survive without it?  The first answer that popped into my head was laziness.  But then, I’m far from a lazy person - I’m always doing something.  Then I thought about other reasons - like people don’t want to exercise alone, gym memberships aren’t affordable, exercise equipment isn’t affordable.  The list of potential reasons could go on and on.  But what it boils down to is a very very very basic fact.  Exercise isn’t a priority.  For me or most other people.  So…… after thinking that through, I’m making exercise a priority for me.  Just like I have to brush my teeth every day, go to work every day, take a shower every day, feed my dogs every day… I simply MUST exercise every day.  I realize that this won’t be possible every single day for the rest of my life because of whatever circumstances… but I think as long as I keep it as a daily priority, I will hit every day 99% of the time.  My goal is to get in a good workout M-F, rest on Saturday and then depending on what’s planned for Sunday, another good workout.  I believe we do have to allow ourselves a day or two of rest just so our bodies can catch up.

I’ve always been one who wants weight loss to be an immediate and fast process.  Like lose 10lbs every day.  I know that’s impossible, but in the past I’ve set my goals at the “way too lofty” level.  Back when I first joined Buddy Slim, my buddy Tina pegged me to a tee.  She said my mentality was one of “all or nothing”.  She’d been there too.  And she was totally right!  Because I wasn’t meeting my own silly, perfect, anal expectations, I would give up.  This is something that has been REALLY hard for me to accept about myself.  Not only has it opened my eyes with weight loss, but it’s also shown me that this is probably why past personal relationships have failed.  I can remember myself telling past boyfriends “It’s black or white.  There IS no gray!!!”  Boy was I wrong.  With anything in life, there is gray.  And within that, there are varying degrees of gray.  So, friends, I am doing my best to get out of the “all or nothing” thinking.   It’s amazing to me how our friends can hit on something that has been a major issue all our lives, but we never thought of it before.  (Love you Tina!)

So…………….. again I say, slow and steady wins the race.  I have this printed out and hung in my office at work as well as a few places around the house.  It’s also, slowly, changing the way I see life in general. 

Thanks to everyone who commented on my last post… Linda, Nikki, Tina,  Wonder Woman (I agree with what you said about the super obese).  You guys are simply amazing to me.  As I sit here and think of everything you all have done for me, talked to me about, emailed me, supported me and accepted me, tears come to my eyes.  I wouldn’t trade you guys for anything.

 Off to the treadmill I go!

p.s. I’m down 2 more lbs!!!!  <happy happy joy joy!!>