Lena’s Journey

I have been bad.  Very bad.  I haven’t had a good week, even though I’ve stuck to my exercise and my eating.  Until today.  I had pizza for lunch.  I had 3 pieces.  Cheese Lovers with beef and diced tomatoes.  So I’m confessing to everyone, rather than hiding it.  I have already called my neighbor and taken the rest of the medium pizza to her house.  It is no longer attacking my nose and salivary glands, nor my mind.  So, I will just take this in stride.  It’s a stumbling block.  I’ll get on the horse again right now.  I’m still doing the visualization exercises - they seem to be helping take my mind off constant eating.  I’m going to work out… because I’m kinda disgusted with myself right now. 

Right now, I am seething. 

I just finished reading an article on Yahoo about Michael Vick and how he’s decided to plead guilty and “take accountability” for his actions regarding the dog fighting allegations.  First of all, I ask that you all forgive me for any harsh words I might write. 

Dogs and their welfare are VERY near and dear to my heart.  I’m an active contributor to the HSUS to help stop dog-fighting in our country.  How ANYONE could possibly get enjoyment out of watching dogs maul each other and wagering bets on blood-letting is FREAKIN’ BEYOND ME.  I was going to include a link on here to one of the videos that is currently posted on the HSUS’ website, but I might get in trouble.  It is extremely graphic and disheartening to hear these men encourage their dogs to kill each other.  I am crying just sitting here writing this.

 THEN, on the yahoo sports section today, an article was written about Vick’s guilty plea.  There’s a head coach out there that I would love to string up by his you know what’s and beat, stab and submerge in water and hit the electrical box.  He actually said this:

“We’ve had a lot of people in this league do a lot of bad things, and they still got a chance,” Wolf said. “Leonard Little killed someone (while drunk driving). Jamal Lewis went to prison (in connection to) selling drugs. Are you telling me that killing eight dogs is worse than killing a human being? … Yes, this is bad, but are you really telling me that he doesn’t deserve a chance to play again when other people have committed crimes and come back?”

OK.  First of all, Leonard Little made the CHOICE to drink and drive.  It is very unfortunate that he killed someone.  I know some of you will probably hate me for what I’m about to say, but I have to say it.  THERE WAS STILL A CHOICE INVOLVED.  If Leonard Little had not gotten drunk and gotten on the road…

Those poor dogs that were burned, electrocuted, stabbed and beaten by Vick and his co-defendents DID NOT HAVE A CHOICE.  Dogs rely on humans for their welfare and care. 

I am, by no means, saying that a dog’s life is more important than a human’s life.  What I’m saying is that animals have no choice.  Ron Wolf’s comment about (GB Packers, by the way) how it would be ok if Vick returned to the NFL.  Ok, let’s just go ahead and tell our kids that it’s ok to hurt and abuse and fight animals…. then we can graduate to killing and mauling and hurting human beings… AND IT’LL STILL BE OK TO PLAY IN THE NFL.

I’ve been thinking.  And researching a bit on visualization.  There are a lot of things on the web regarding visualization and how it can help a person overcome whatever obstacle is standing their way.  Well, for me, as you know, it’s my weight.  I’m going to try this visualization thing, but first I have to figure out a way to picture myself being slim.  How would I go about that… since I’ve never been slim in my entire adult life?  I mean, I don’t even *know* what my own body would look like without this huge belly and big arms and double chin.  So, what I think I’m going to do is just picture *a* body that’s slim and toned and healthy and then attach my face to it.  Of course, it will be hard to imagine my slim face too.  In my mind, my slim, toned, healthy body would have this cut out head pasted on top with the cheeks sucked in and a hand pulling back the chin.  LOL!!!!!!!!!  And this particular image just cracks me up, so I might not be able to concentrate.  But alas, I’m going to try.  I found a good web page that explains how to do visualization (http://www.buzzle.com/editorials/4-24-2005-68996.asp), so here I go.  I’ve already done my first session today and it was rather amusing, but I did it.  Some of the images that came to mind were:

1.  Me shaving my legs with no belly in the way.

2.  Me sitting down crossing my legs where my leg that’s over the other just hangs there rather than sticking out.

3.  Me standing outside and looking up in the sky, seeing myself floating up in the air and the higher I get, the slimmer I am.

4.  Me at the beach, laying down a towel, taking my shorts and top off to reveal a pretty purple bikini on a beautiful, slim body.

5.  Still at the beach and for the first time, guys take a second and third look.  In my mind, one guy was staring so hard that he tripped and fell down!  ROFL!

6.  My family, friends and co-workers exclaiming “Oh My God!  You look fabulous darling!!!”

7.  Seeing people I haven’t seen in a long time and them not recognizing me.

8.  Me not having to put deodorant or powder in places they’re not meant to be applied.

9.  Me having the energy to do things I love - like remodel houses, having a garden, volunteering at an animal shelter.

10.  Me being able to stay outside all day in the sun without getting a headache.

11.  Me on lots of rollercoasters where the ride operators don’t tell me I can’t ride.

12.  Me not being a tall mountain in the bed - I wanna be a relatively flat plateau under the covers.

13.  Me shopping for clothes in the regular sizes and regular stores instead of from catalogues or the fat people stores.

14.  Me being treated with respect and admiration by people.

So that was pretty much it for my first session.  According to all the websites I’ve been reading, one or two sessions (20 mins) per day are enough to reprogram my subconscious where all the bad programs and habits are stored.  Oh, one more thing I visualized today was not going to the kitchen late at night for a snack - even if it is a healthy snack.  This is a very bad habit I have and I’m really struggling with breaking it.  So I visualized myself just going to bed, reading for a while and not getting up.  This one habit has been the hardest for me to break.  Even though I’m not hungry, inevitably I make my way to the kitchen for a snack sometime after I go to bed.  There’s this DRIVE in my head to run to the kitchen every single night, after I go to bed.  I’m having such a hard time with it - please pray for me! 

This website says that determination and motivation aren’t enough for long-term weight loss.  You have to reprogram your mind.  I tend to agree here.  So, Lena’s mind.  Off to the geek squad repair desk you go! 

I’m going to clean out my closet now.  It’ll be like going shopping! 

All of us on the TX Gulf Coast are making our hurricane preparations in case Dean comes our way.  No one is in panic mode yet, but after Hurricane Rita in 2005, we’re not taking any chances.  I was part of that evacuation I’m sure you all saw on t.v. - it took my mom, dogs and I 22 hours to go 120 miles - and we still ended up right smack in the middle of the storm.  My grandma’s house was completely destroyed - we are still rebuilding it. 

Anyway - I hope everyone’s having a great weekend!  Stay strong, stay motivated and I wish you all many blessings this coming week!

I’ve been on a western fiction kick for about the past 4 months.  I’m reading everything I can get my hands on about the old west… fiction and non-fiction both.  It’s like this weird hunger I have to read all about our migration from Europe over to America.  Since I’m from Texas, I really love the old west stories of Texas - because I’m familiar with the lay out of the land.  I used to hate history, now I can’t seem to get enough. 

Anyway, I’m currently reading the Sackett series by Louis L’Amour.  I’m only on the 2nd book - To The Far Blue Mountains.  I’m near the end of the book and Barnabas (main character) is having a conversation with Sakim (his middle eastern friend) and they are sitting around eating cornbread and waiting to take up their posts to keep a look-out for Indians.  Sakim is telling Barnabas about a book he should read in which the author, Khaldoun, has much to say on the subject of eating.  He tells Barnabas that Khaldoun “maintains that the evidence shows that those who eat little are superior to those who eat much, in both courage and sensibility.”  Sakim goes on… “Yet we readily accept the idea that a fat man is wise.  Was he not wise enough to provide for himself?  But we hesitate to ascribe piety to any but the lean.  A fat prophet could never start a new religion, while a lean, ascetic-looking one could do it easily.  A prophet should always come down from the mountain or out of the desert.  He should never arise from the table.”

I cracked up when I read this.  But think about it… this does tend to ring true, doesn’t it?  Even today, fat people are not treated equally.  Despite what employers say and ascribe to, fat people do not have the same opportunities as thin people.  I tested this theory a few years ago, with a friend of mine.  We both had the exact same skills when it comes to business, with me having just a slight edge over her with my greater knowledge of Excel.  Together, we went down to one of the local temporary employment agencies and applied for the same job - though the agency did not know we knew each other.  It seemed the agency had been looking for a long time to fill this particular position - which was an Administrative Assistant position with an oil company.  We both took the computer tests with about the same scores (I scored higher than she did on Excel), went through the interviews and she downplayed herself.  I forgot to tell you - she is about 5′9″, beautifully slim, long brown hair… she’s just gorgeous.  Guess who got offered the job?  Yep - she did.  She also turned it down.  They never called me.  So, our little experiment worked.  Why did we do it?  Just for fun.  No other reason than that. 

Have you ever noticed that most people in sales are beautiful, thin people?  It’s because we are more likely to buy something or sign-up for something when the sales person is “pretty”.  This is just how our society works.  It’s sad, but true.  I used to work in a pharmacy and we would have pharmacy reps come visit and bring all their cool new product give-aways, to push their new drug.  I never once saw an overweight rep.  This really makes me sad.  Fat people are seen as lazy, unmotivated and unsuccessful.  We can’t control our weight, so how could we possibly control anything else?  <eye roll>. 

I used to think I wanted to be a fat advocate - there’s even an organization.  I joined at one time… they do things like solicit the airline companies to make planes more accomodating for obese people, car companies to make cars more accomodating for obese people, etc.  However, I realized I didn’t want to advocate obesity.  Rather, I want to advocate healthy living.

Thanks for listening to my weird ramblings this morning.  I hope everyone has a GREAT weekend!

I got a GREEN star today!  It feels WONDERFUL to be 25lbs lighter today.  I’ve been sitting here trying to think of things that are 25lbs.  Like 2.5 bags of potatoes, a bag of dog food, my corgi mix, Corey!  I’ve lost a whole dog!  I picked him up just now - just to feel the weight in my arms.  We might not think 25lbs is a lot.  But have y’all picked up 25lbs lately?!  (Have I said “25lbs” enough?! - I’m just so excited!)  It’s been a really long time since I could say I’ve lost 25lbs.  (LOL!)  I’m very proud of myself.  I’m motivated, I’m strong, I’m not depressed, I have energy… on my way to becoming a HOT mama!  My clothes have been fitting looser lately, so I’ll have to go through my closet soon to see what lurks in those back corners.  I might get lucky and find something with a tag still on!  I love it when that happens!!!  :) 

So this is just a quick check-in… I hope to write more later.  Have a wonderful Tuesday everyone!

The results are in!  The breakfast burrito I mentioned in my previous post is delish!!!  Here’s the recipe:

Butter-flavored cooking spray (I used Crisco 99% fat free)

1 tablespoon of frozen pico de gallo (if you can’t find this in your freezer section already made, you can use white onion, diced tomatoes & green chiles)

1 tablespoon of 2% monterey & colby jack cheese.

1/3 cup egg beaters

1 dash pepper

1 dash liquid hot pepper sauce (optional for those of you who don’t like it too spicey)

1 10-inch 98% fat free flour tortilla, warmed (I used a smaller whole-wheat, garlic & herb, low-fat/low-carb tortilla)

Directions: 1.  Lighly coat a nonstick skillet with cooking spray.  2.  Cook the pico mix in the skillet over medium heat for about 3 minutes, stirring constantly.  3.  In a small bowl, whisk together egg substitute, cheese, pepper and hot pepper sauce (if using).  4.  Pour egg mixture into skillet and scramble for 3 to 4 minutes or until the consistency is how you like it.  5.  Place the egg mixture along one-third of the tortilla, about 2 inches away from the bottom.  6.  Fold up the lower edg and then roll from the side to form a burrito.  7.  Eat immediately or wrap in a napkin or aluminum foil to eat later (while waiting for school bus or driving to work).

Nutritional info:

1 garlic & herb low-fat/low-carb tortilla: 50 cal, 2 gm fat, 180 mg sodium, 11gm carb, 8 gm fiber, 5 gm protein.

1 TBLSP frozen pico de gallo mix: 5 cal, 0 gm fat, 0 gm sodium, 0 gm carb, 0 gm fiber.

1 TBLSP 2% monterrey jack/colby jack cheese: 40 cal, 2.5 gm fat, 230 sodium, <1 gm carb, 3.5 gm protein.

1/3 cup egg beaters: 40 cal, 0 gm fat, 70 mg sodium, 1 gm carb, 7 gm protein

Total calories: 135.  Total fat: 4.5gm.  Total carb: 12gm.  Total protein: 15.5gm.  Total sodium: 480mg.  Total fiber: 8gm

With the small tortillas I used, I had enough egg to make 2 burritos, which added 50 calories to my breakfast.  I think 185 calories is really good for breakfast and it certainly filled me up!

I got a shock when I stepped on the scale this beautiful (but HOT) Sunday morning.  It showed 277.4 again!  So, in 2 days, I’ve lost 3lbs?!  I weighed three times just to make sure.  So I’m wondering if all my bad eating last week was because of increased salt intake, which made me gain in water weight only?  I’m thinking it is… so I’m happy.  I know this doesn’t mean I can be bad every week.  But it just shows me that getting RIGHT BACK ON THE HORSE is imperative to success.  As I’ve told y’all, I’m learning that slow and steady wins the race… I can make mistakes, but as long as I stay in the “getting healthy” mind-set, I will be ok.  I’m so thankful that my life-style change seems to be sticking!  Yay!  Praise the Lord! 

I just finished watching Joel Osteen on t.v. and his message this morning was about not letting anyone or anything keep you down.  That our dreams are important to God and as long as we keep that in sight, they will come to pass - no matter how long it takes.  My dream is to be slim and healthy - and it’s been a dream for more than 20 years.  So, today I say - “go away you evil binge eating thoughts!  you cannot destroy my dream!”. 

I’m going to be trying out a new low-fat breakfast burrito recipe I found online yesterday.  It has less than 100 calories per burrito and seems very easy to make.  I don’t like to cook (I exist on Lean Cuisines and Weight Watchers stuff), so this will be interesting.  I’m sure some of you are laughing at me… how hard can cooking a breakfast burrito be?  Well, let’s just suffice it to say that Lena doesn’t cook.  I will be following the directions to a T.  Who knows?  This might inspire me to experiment more in the kitchen… because I do know that fresh food is always better than preservative laden food.  So I’ll let you know how it goes.

 I hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday!  Join me & Linda and think happy thoughts!!!!!!

I love you guys!!!!

So today is a new day!  I seem to have my weight loss resolve back.  I feel good this morning and I’m going to take advantage of it.  Lots of stuff on my agenda today - to keep me busy and out of the kitchen and keep my mind off munching!  I’ve recently put a lot of items on craigslist to sell and have already gotten several bites!  I’m so excited!  Last night I was walking around the house looking for stuff to take pictures of and put on there to sell.  Good way to make a little extra $$.

Today, it’s supposed to get up to 100 degrees here in the Houston area.  The weather dude says we’ll have a “feels like” temp of 107.  So, in lieu of exercise this weekend, I’m just going to sit outside and sweat.  LOL!  Not really… but geez, that’s freakin’ hot!!!  This week, I’ve been moving all my pot plants to more shady areas - even though I water them every day, the heat really affects them and some of them weren’t doing well.  :(  But now that they’re in the shade, they’ve all perked up.  I’m happy.

Sorry for my previous negative post… I just had a really really sucky week.  But the important thing is that my horse is ready and willing for me to get back up and ride again!  So that’s what I’m gonna do.  I keep reminding myself that I’m not perfect, no one is, and as long as I get back up and get on track, things will ultimately be OK. 

Thanks to all my buddies for your support this past week and helping me get over the hump.  I love you all!

Ok, so I just got on the scale and I’ve gained 3lbs this week, rather than 1lb like I told Linda.  This morning, it was only one pound.  I ate like crap today - bagel with cream cheese, taco bell (I know, I know!) for lunch and some dark chocolate m&ms around 2pm.  I suck.  I exercised on the treadmill on Monday and did yard work on Wednesday.  Aunt Flo was visiting and I just could NOT drag myself out of bed at 4am.  I’ve taken my lunch to work every day except today this week, but in the evenings when I get home, I’ve been very very bad.  I tell myself that next week will be better.  I know it will.  Since Aunt Flo left today, I should start feeling better in no time at all.  Sometimes I hate being a girl.

I’m having fruit for supper and will make myself a nice cup of woo-long tea (that stuff is good!).  So, not much to write about, but that’s my update for this heinous week.  Linda - can I borrow your kitchen gnome?

 Love y’all!

In the famous words of Nike, “Just Do It” has been my motto this past week.  Regardless of how I’m feeling.  I had PMS again this past week, yet I managed to get on the treadmill every single day.  To me, that’s an accomplishment.  A slow transformation is taking place in my mind and soul.  It’s very slow… but I’m finding that slow and steady wins the race.  I didn’t walk yesterday, but as soon as I finish this blog, I will be hitting the trusty treadmill this morning.  It’s Sunday.  It’s a new day!  It’s beautiful!  Friends, buddies, countrymen, I can’t tell you all how much better I feel after just a week of steady exercise.  My buddy-twin Linda says in two weeks, I’ll feel amazing.  I can’t wait! 

Getting up at 4:00am really hasn’t been bad, and I found as I went through this past week, each day got a little easier to get up that early.  By the time I get to work, I feel pumped and ready to conquer the job.  My attitude and feelings have been better at work (not that they were bad before - I’m just feeling an overall sense of peace).  Even though I had some rough roads at work this past week - even cussed around my boss - which is something I’ve never done in my life before.  (I apologized to her later and she said “Girl please! I’m just as frustrated as you are, but we’ll work it out.  I support you, remember?”).  I have the best boss in the world - she tells me almost daily that she wishes she had 15 Lena’s.  <strut> 

So back to getting up at 4:00am and exercising.  I’ve been tossing around in my mind this past week why is it that exercise can help/change so many things about us?  Our outlook, our feelings, our depression, our bodies… and since it does all that, why don’t more people do it?  What baffles me even more is why have I let myself lapse these past years and try to survive without it?  The first answer that popped into my head was laziness.  But then, I’m far from a lazy person - I’m always doing something.  Then I thought about other reasons - like people don’t want to exercise alone, gym memberships aren’t affordable, exercise equipment isn’t affordable.  The list of potential reasons could go on and on.  But what it boils down to is a very very very basic fact.  Exercise isn’t a priority.  For me or most other people.  So…… after thinking that through, I’m making exercise a priority for me.  Just like I have to brush my teeth every day, go to work every day, take a shower every day, feed my dogs every day… I simply MUST exercise every day.  I realize that this won’t be possible every single day for the rest of my life because of whatever circumstances… but I think as long as I keep it as a daily priority, I will hit every day 99% of the time.  My goal is to get in a good workout M-F, rest on Saturday and then depending on what’s planned for Sunday, another good workout.  I believe we do have to allow ourselves a day or two of rest just so our bodies can catch up.

I’ve always been one who wants weight loss to be an immediate and fast process.  Like lose 10lbs every day.  I know that’s impossible, but in the past I’ve set my goals at the “way too lofty” level.  Back when I first joined Buddy Slim, my buddy Tina pegged me to a tee.  She said my mentality was one of “all or nothing”.  She’d been there too.  And she was totally right!  Because I wasn’t meeting my own silly, perfect, anal expectations, I would give up.  This is something that has been REALLY hard for me to accept about myself.  Not only has it opened my eyes with weight loss, but it’s also shown me that this is probably why past personal relationships have failed.  I can remember myself telling past boyfriends “It’s black or white.  There IS no gray!!!”  Boy was I wrong.  With anything in life, there is gray.  And within that, there are varying degrees of gray.  So, friends, I am doing my best to get out of the “all or nothing” thinking.   It’s amazing to me how our friends can hit on something that has been a major issue all our lives, but we never thought of it before.  (Love you Tina!)

So…………….. again I say, slow and steady wins the race.  I have this printed out and hung in my office at work as well as a few places around the house.  It’s also, slowly, changing the way I see life in general. 

Thanks to everyone who commented on my last post… Linda, Nikki, Tina,  Wonder Woman (I agree with what you said about the super obese).  You guys are simply amazing to me.  As I sit here and think of everything you all have done for me, talked to me about, emailed me, supported me and accepted me, tears come to my eyes.  I wouldn’t trade you guys for anything.

 Off to the treadmill I go!

p.s. I’m down 2 more lbs!!!!  <happy happy joy joy!!>